Russian & Turkish Baths

I roused myself from the pit of despair I was mired in last Sunday to post a feeble cry for help on Facebook, "anyone want to go with me to the Russian and Turkish Baths on the beach?"  I knew that several of my Groupon groupie friends had purchased the Groupon for the baths when it came out a few months ago so I was hoping someone would agree to meet me, thus forcing me to get out of the apartment when all I wanted to do was lay down and moan feebly.
I met Krei at the baths at noon and we spent a couple hours there, alternately baking, steaming, freezing, and boiling ourselves.  Since we're silly, we ran around playing with everything that wasn't tied down.  We blasted each other with fire hoses.  We jumped up and down under the rain showers.  We found the leaves they use for platza and started beating each other experimentally with them when a stern, tattooed young guy in a Speedo came up to us and, disapprovingly, mutely held out his hand for us to return the leaves to him.  Thus chastized by this guy who was obviously a Russian mobster who has killed people we stopped poking around and went back to the aromatherapy room.
One cool way to seem like a bad ass is to get nice and toasty in one of the hot rooms and then jump into the ice cold water pool and pour buckets of ice water over your head.  After the intial shock it actually feels great.
I knew I would feel like a wrung out, wet mop by the end of it all and need a long nap, and I was right.  I went home and straight to bed but first, just to ensure that I passed out, I made myself a vodka and tonic.  Ok, ok, so Grey Goose is French, not Russian, but at least I was in the spirit of things.

*As I read this over I notice an excessive use of metaphor and pun that I'd like to apologize for now.

Spizzigo and El Novillo

Playing catch up today at work.  Not on work related tasks, God forbid!  But on my blog.  You can't force these things, you know.

My son, mom and I have been having dinner with the changing cast my uncle drums up for our bi-weekly get togethers for months now, and it's been pretty good - as long as we've stuck to Tutto Pizza.  Our last two get togethers were at Spizzigo and El Novillo respectively and I found our meals there both lame and sad.

Spizzigo is located in a strip mall in Doral (please understand, I dislike Doral and everything in it in an intense and irrational way) which is already a point against the restaurant.  The place is cute, if perhaps a bit cookie cutter and sterile in design.  And freaking cold!  What's with running the A/C at meat locker temperatures?  Eh.  What can I say?  The meal was a disaster from the start.  I'm sure the waiter absolutely hated us.

It seemed that my whole family was in cahoots to be as critical as possible.  We are usually nice!  Really!  I swear!  But...they forgot to get me a wine glass, forgot to bring a place setting for my cousin's wife, they were out of almost every wine my uncle tried to order but two, half the entrees we ordered were cold...the waiters were pretty damn cute, I admit, but sullen and almost rude.  I watched three charming, adorable and admittedly annoying-as-hell little kids try to get a taste of the gelato and the counter guy blew them off completely.  I don't think our waiter even attempted to look pleasant.

My uncle ordered insalata de pere, gorgonzola e noci for everyone as a starter.  The creamy dressing was way too sweet and had no balance and the pears were not ripe.  The bread they brought us was terrible, how do you call the dough part?  The masa?  Not the crust but the...well, you get it, it was all doughy, undercooked, and the crust was dusty with flour and some pathetic herbs...no crunch at all.  It has the texture and edibility of Play Doh.  I ordered spaghetti salmone e limone and the sauce was greasy as hell and with no hint of *limone*.  My mom had some mushroom/spinach tortellini that was so salty.  Absurdly so.  It's like they knew she had high blood pressure and were trying to bring about a speedy demise.  My son's pizza was pretty much ok, and we were all happy to *help* him finish it.  Altogether merda, from start to end.  Maybe gelato would have redeemed it but I think not.  At least we had alchol.  We'll always have alchol.

We had dinner at El Novillo on our previous familial outing.  I've eaten there several times, usually for work, and have found it to be a nice, inoffensive, harmless kind of place where everyone's palate can get along.  BO-RING!  I had skirt steak and it was a bit undercooked, more rare than medium rare, but a little bloody meat never bothered me.  The side dishes are so dull!  They ladle out of a trough some mushy red beans and rice that are just bland, and some maduros that are sliced too thick...honestly, there are few things that annoy me more in life than thickly sliced maduros...the oil doesn't get to the middle and so you don't have the proper ratio of sweet, carmelized outsides to sweet, softened, cooked insides.  It's just dry and raw in the middle.  Caca!  Well, to be fair it was fine.  Honestly. It's like eating at your grandma's house, but not the good cook, the other one.  It's hard to ruin this type of food but it's easy to find it prepared with indifference.  I'm too picky about Hispanic food to deal with these generic, substandard meals.  You got to put some love into it, damn it!  And, of course, pour the wine liberally.  I've firmly established myself as the family alchy, and I'm ok with that.

Tamiami Truckers Food Court

The whole food truck business seems to inspire a great deal of feeling in people, from great apathy to great antipathy to great, um...sympathy?  Just trying to keep the trend going, there.  I've had my eye on the burgeoning food truck bizniz here in Miami (damn you, Ms. Cheezious, you stole our idea!) and I've generally thought, it's a good thing.  What's not to love about cheap, tasty, sometimes interesting food coming right to you?  It seems Miami borrows nothing cool from other, hipper cities and frankly, it bums me out.  Miami is sooo provincial.

Well, I was texting about my evening plans to check out the Tamiami Truckers Food Court to this friend of mine, and I didn't really expect him to have such, ahem, strong feelings about the food truck craze.  But here, I'll let him say it in his own words, "One thing is enjoying a bite at a place and appreciating it for what it is.  But this is another matter altogether.  It borders on the obscene at this point...I have had it with this food truck business.  It is so shallow.  You won't order a grilled cheese sandwich from Denny's, but all of sudden some Argentine c*** brings you one in a truck and it's the culinary equivalent of the Venus de Milo?  F*** that.  It's the excitement in people's eyes that most gets to me...There are perfectly decent restaurants going out of business, closer to home.  I'm not excited about standing in line with 200+ assholes who think this "street meat" parade is worth the sojourn inot the hills for a "really good sandwich".  All those FB updates, these twatters...I just can't take it."

I must say, full disclosure, this is one of my very best friends and I retaliated by posting many Facebook and twatter updates about the whole event, just to bug him.  I'm so mature.

I do see his point(s).  It was far as hell for me.  You get there and there is a sense of expectancy that never gets fulfilled...like another friend of mine said that night (be careful what you say, I will quote you), "It's like the Youth Fair without any rides".

Exactly.  I ate a lot, and enjoyed some things quite a bit...especially the carnita I had from Jefe's.  The fish taco from there seemed a little bland but P did steal my hot sauce.  Oh!  And Wendy's Crab Salad and Cheddar sandwich from Ms. Cheezious was really good, especially when she added the perennial pickles to it...I know she'll be making those at home very soon.  I thought the lettuce wraps from Miso Hungry was only ok, the pork inside was very dry.  The only sign of freshness in the wrap was the cilantro.  We had crepes at the French place that were pretty great, too.

All in all, I had a really nice time but to be honest, it was mostly the company and, well, the beer helps, of course.  I would have had an equally nice time at Wendy's apartment with the same people.  Now that I've done it once I don't know that I need to do it again, especially to the meet-ups that are so FAR.  Some of the meet-ups are much closer and I'm not averse to trying them out...I spent like $15 for quite a lot of food.  It is nice, however, to have a destination on a weekend night, it keeps me from feeling like I'm melting into a sloth-like complacency where I never  go out anymore.  I will just put forth one request: Port-a-Potties?  Please?

Robert is Here Fruit Stand and Farm

I romanticize country life, I admit that.  I imagine myself in some self sufficient paradise where the pantry is full of canned produce from my own garden, the laundry is drying on the line outside and chickens and piglets run around in happy, free-range bliss.  I suppose the reality of country life is probably relentless poverty and a crushing work load but hey, it's my fantasy, damn it.  Don't be a buzz kill.

Robert is Here is one of those places that I feel compelled to drag the uninitiated to.  It's far as hell and I suppose anything you find there you can find in a more convenient location but, what's the fun in that?  You can find fresh produce, jarred jellies, jams and preserves, and the most delicious milkshakes in terrific flavors such as key lime and cantalope/chocolate.  There is a small farmyard with real live animals (a weird mix including turtles, geese, ostriches or emus or something, burros or donkeys or something, parrots, chickens, goats...you get it) that no doubt eat a hell of a lot better than you and I do.  Hell, there is even a working water pump to play with!

I'm not sure of the sustainability of their products...I suppose I could contact them to ask if their products are produced locally or not, but I'm lazy.  I assume their produce is local and their jarred items are not.  In any case, it's always better to buy from an independent business rather than a chain, and it's always better to buy local food rather than something trucked in.  That would make you a locavore.  Crazy!

South Florida Boxing

I've fallen off the face of the earth, blog-wise.  It's because of a mix of inertia, ennui, and lack of disposable income.  But, here I go, again!

I've attested to my love of Groupon and Living Social several times already...really, they have some great deals.  I used a Body Shop and American Apparel coupon for my Christmas shopping and even finished up some of the exercise deals I'd gotten, to Skanda Yoga and Dharma Yoga Studio.  I tried out South Florida Boxing with a Groupon as well...and joined the gym.

Let's get this straight, I'm lazy and I hate exercising.  That being said, I know I need to exercise for my health and looks and all that, blah blah blah.  The real impetus for my current push to get fit is that a certain doubting Thomas has stated that I would be unable to hike Machu Picchu cause I'm so out of shape.  Mind you, I have never had any desire to visit Machu Picchu but damn it, NOW I'm going to go to Machu Picchu this year, hike that motherfucker, and send someone a picture of me on top, flipping the bird.

Yeah, I got a lot of hostility going, so joining a boxing gym seems like a good place to work out some of my aggression.  I love yoga, and it's a great workout...if you think it's easy and for pansies, you've never tried a class.  There's more to it than chanting "OM", trust me.  Well, boxing takes a "great workout" to a whole other level.  It's like boot camp, I swear, the last class I took I almost puked in.

The instructor leads you through the kinds of exercises that you could, admittedly, do on your own at home if you had that kind of willpower and drive, but, who does?  Stretches, jumping jacks, squats, lunges, medicine ball, dumbells...then when you're good and exhausted, you get to beat on a bag with gloves on.  It's exhausting, and it's exactly the kind of exercise we all need but secretly hate.  Or maybe that's just me.

It's not cheap, but it's all instructor led exercise, which I require, and I sincerely believe that you shouldn't skimp on your health, exercise, or food.  The owner is a woman, which is pretty cool in its own right, but there is admittedly a bit of a hard sell to join.  I guess that's true of any gym; you always feel like you're selling your soul to the devil when you sign one of those contracts.  Though, if I had sold my soul to the devil I could have all the benefits of exercise without having to break a sweat.

Groupon and Living Social

Even though I like a deal I'm a little wary about online coupons and things that in general seem too good to be true.  I had heard of Groupon a long time ago but, since the website wouldn't open at work (yes, they filter discounts like they're porn) I just didn't consider it.  When Evil G forwarded a discount for yoga classes that were so super cheap (5 classes for $40 at Miami Yogashala in Brickell; since then I've seen cheaper deals but I was a newbie then) I couldn't resist.  I bought that one, then I bought some deals at Living Social, which sometimes has even better prices.

The way it works is that each coupon website offers a daily deal in your area.  They can be for spa services, restaurants, exercises classes...I'm sticking to exercise classes for now since I already know I like yoga and the classes are normally so damn expensive.  You buy the deal and then you have a .pdf file to print emailed to you as a voucher, or you can call up the deal on the website's app on your smart phone as well.  The deals have a certain expiration date that you need to use them by.

I have about five deals floating around and finally used one today, for yoga classes at Dharma Studio ($17 for 5 classes, that's the price of one class in many places!).  I have to admit, I'm very shy about using coupons like this and such; I'm cheap but I hate appearing so.  Luckily, there were a few other people using the same coupon as well so I felt more confident.  The staff there was very cool about accepting the Groupon, which awarded them extra bonus points.

Dharma Studio is located in Coconut Grove.  It's a beautiful spot but sucky because of one of my main pet peeves: inadequate parking and PAID parking.  I hate paying for parking, but even more when it's not to be found.  I'm on vacation this week so I can just take some day classes, when parking is not such an enormous headache, and I'll take some Friday classes (my schedule is every Friday off, every Saturday working) until I finish up the coupon.  Dharma charged a $2 mat rental fee, which really kind of blows since I don't own a mat yet and because I've never been charged for using a studio mat before (I just ordered one but was debating the eco aspects of it for a while, and decided on this one).

The classes offered there seem very femme friendly and yuppie, at least according to the titles (Gentle Stretchy Yoga, Funyasa).  Not much brutal pretzel twists and intimidation factor, which is fine since I am very much a novice who doesn't devote enough time to practice.  I took the Yoga Lowdown class today with Natalie.  She's very friendly and approachable, in that way that makes me wonder if she's the owner?  That's a good thing, FYI. The class was pretty gentle, and devoted to nice stretches in a mostly horizontal position.  No Sun Salutations or Inverted Poses.  I liked the stretching but at the end there was quite a bit of self massage with rollers and tennis balls.   Frankly, it hurt.  I think I'm not muscular, padded, or tense enough to enjoy that deep level of massage, but a couple women there were moaning in pleasure so, each to her own.  It's probably just me.  Tomorrow I'm trying the Gentle Stretchy class to check it out.  My vacation is basically to be spent pretending I'm independently wealthy or retired.  Is it just me or does work really get in the way of life?  Just saying.

The yoga studio I normally go to is Rina Yoga.  The Thursday Hatha Yoga night class with Joan is challenging enough that I push myself without being so difficult that I feel lost.  It works out great with my schedule, is very close to home, and parking is free :)  So far I don't know if Dharma Yoga is offering any competition to Rina Yoga, though if the Friday class I plan on trying is great I may buy a class card just for that; Rina doesn't have Friday morning classes at this time.  Really the only thing I hold against Dharma is the parking situation and the mat fee; the studio itself is lovely (though I did notice a pet pee smell on the ground...the mats?  Ghostly pet presence?  It was weird)  I still have a few other studios to check out and I also got some boxing classes and some passes to the Russian baths at the beach; I'll review those as I use them.

Tutto Pizza/Tutto Pasta

Tutto Pizza is one of those places that you invariably return to, again and again.  Like Moonchine, you will never get a bad meal there.

I've been sleeping over at mom's a couple times a month so she can watch my son while I work (every single Saturday, serving the undomiciled public with a plastic smile!) or take my Ayurveda classes.  My uncle, who must like us or something, has sporadically taken us out to dinner during these sleepovers; we usually end up at Tutto Pizza, which is both child friendly (picky seven year old) and chef friendly (picky seventy year old).  Yes, my uncle is a chef and a baker, and I remember countless meals as a child with him critiquing my eating habits.  I don't know why I smelled everything, even the silverware....kids are weird that way.  Anyway, as an adult I really enjoy meals with him because: A. he has fantastic taste B. he orders appetizers and wine, something I can never afford to do C. he orders for everyone, which is great since I'm indecisive and like these chivalrous throwbacks and D. he pays.  This all adds up to a WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN!

We went there last Saturday: me, my mom, my son, my uncle, and my uncle's girlfriend.  This is supposed to be a point of contention, the girlfriend, seeing how my uncle's divorce was awkward at best (my uncle and aunt still work together, everyday) and how she is around 20 years younger than him...but hell, I don't care, go for yours, Tio.  She's nice to me, and that's all I care about.

My uncle ordered Focaccia al Rosmarino, Salmon Carpaccio, a Margherita pizza, and a Portobello and Pollo.  I'm still on edge when eating around my uncle, a childhood holdover, so I just sat back and waited for them to move.  My uncle's GF dressed the mixed greens that came with the salmon with balsamic, oil, and lemon juice; I've never added the lemon juice to balsamic but it's a great idea, it really brightens the salad and mildens (if it's not a word, it should be) the vinegar.  We dipped the focaccia into olive oil, stared meaningfully at the last bit of salmon, poured fizzy water and wine, oh, the wine...Malbec by Santa Florentina.  For me to actually remember that name means I said it to myself about ten times.  It was so good, without that tannic aftertaste.  The four of us went through two bottles and my mom got tipsy, which was cute...she kept trying to turn off the alarm when we got home by turning it on.  And she giggled.

Seriously, go eat there.  If you're not in the mood for pizza, Tutto Pasta is right next door.  I haven't eaten there in many years, but I remember it as being great, if noisy.  I don't mind the noise, really, I want them to remain popular.  I can't take another heartbreak like Siam Lotus Room.